Dieting as A Symptom of Unworthiness.

Here we are. A new year. Exactly 8 years to the day I first stepped foot in the room I would visit every Thursday evening, for 18 months, straight.

I first sat with Catherine O Grady of Nirvana Therapy Centre on Jan 5th 2010. I was in a crisis of wrongness, one I had tried and failed, over and over again, to ‘escape’, by dieting.

I thought I was lacking self esteem. What Catherine helped me discover, was that what I was really lacking, was a sense of self and that I was suffering from the condition of chronic unworthiness, a symptom of which, is eating distress, fuelled by a diet mentality. Features of eating distress, include food restriction, binge eating and shame.

It was here that my recovery of and from, began.

I’d love to tell you I am recovered. In many ways I am but when it comes to food, I’m not. I am still at the mercy of a default setting so ingrained, it remains a mythical notion to me, that I will ever be free. 

BUT….I have recovered enough of a ‘self’, to keep me hopeful and connected to the process.

Editing this video was a little uncomfortable for me, if I’m honest. But in a ‘good’ way, that ‘hard kind of good’ way. The editing process requires that I replay and listen to myself and this conversation with Catherine repeatedly, over a matter of hours. I have spent the last year in the painful spiral of binge eating. Editing this video, confronted me with myself in a way I couldn’t ‘skip over’ and dismiss. I could really ‘see’ the me, who’s struggling.

Here are the recovery notes I took as I edited. I have a lot of work to do to regain my footing around ED.